Between Us Only!
Young Marriages In Troubles!
I have found out that one of the advantages and privileges of working as a Professional in Human Resources in Companies – is this element of being able to meet especially the young entrants – and get to know them better in their hopes, aspirations and dreams in life – what makes them tick – and what does not! Perhaps because of my ‘accepting face’ and or my showing of interests to them – they open up and confide to me their hopes, fears, worries – and even dreams and fantasies in life! I become more like a Father figure that you can talk to also – and not just that guy behind the desk as the HR Official – whether Manager – or later on as Consultant, Expert and Advisor!
I also came to realise the hard way that some families do not talk to each other – I guess more in father to son and vice versa – than daughters to mothers and vice versa! I think the later has more openings for rapport and discussions – if even I remember my own early younger life with my own late father – and even late uncles – because we were the same cut and chip of the old block!
I remember this incident in which I was teasing one of my nephews as to why he was only getting boys – and how he could try now to get some girls. Something crude that for sure I will not say here – even if the paper were ready to print it! My nephew turned red and blue – and he was literally gasping for breath – and he told his mother that uncle had ‘insulted me today by saying…’! Then his mother told him – your uncle is an open approachable person – and you should see the jokes that he cracks with his son – even daughters too – and not like your father – who still has ‘colonial leanings’ of the past!
Images – Marriages In Trouble – For Demonstration Purposes Only!
When I was walking in one of the GCC countries early 2003s, I was amazed at the divide between the sexes – even between the National young ones males and females – completely different from us here in Oman. I got my fingers burnt many times here – and on hindsight I now believe could have contributed to my position being early localised. Two incidents come to mind – one when the mobile of the girl ringing continuously for over 15 minutes as the girl was out. I realised there must be an emergency – so I in error picked up the phone.
Images – Marriages In Trouble – For Demonstration Purposes Only!
Though there was a real family emergency – but the husband did not like it – and he ‘reported me’ to the Senior Management – and they thought it very dim on my proactive move! The second was passing an honest and sincere compliment to one of the pretty young lasses in my office – who took it wrongly – and again passed her grievances to the top brass – who then asked me to keep my hands, mouth and eyes glued instead to my job front – than what I was doing now!
Which made me realise much further on in life that there was a wide rift and divergence between our own and them – even if we would like to think we are basically and fundamentally the same – but in reality we are not. Which brings me to the realisation that was the reason why there were a lot of marriage problems in that place – even amongst the young ones!
And why the place had a high divorce rate starting from a day, 3 months and 2 years. The rate – even in these periods of time – was even reaching 33% of all such marriages. Despite there being a fund for locals marriages – but still the boys were marrying outsiders – and not their own – and the girls lamenting that even if older – but they would prefer elder type like M – who can joke, tease and is all approachable!
In my last few jobs, I found the same problems were now also confronting us even here with our own young – completely opposite our own generations! Both the girls and the boys – even recently married ones – were saying to me ‘why they are worried and concerned – and not happy in their lives even! Many of the cases of the marriages were sort of arranged more – and they came to know each other only after marriages!
Even for those couples that knew each other before – or were ‘in love’ before getting married. They said to me that the husband is suddenly found to be possessive, jealous and envious – and wants to control, subjugate and control. And the bigger part is finances – and how much the wife earns! And the young lasses not wanting to lose their say and freedom – and certainly their money! Some even earn more than the husband – and some very near – in actual fact more of these lots than those that earn significantly lower.This is not the person I knew – is the common cry and lament!
The red lines are usual the same stuff of money and controls – selfishness rather that jointly – and consumerism plays a big part in the divisions and the discords – even after the children are born. I, in HR, had so many cases of those that took jointly housing loans and joint accounts getting their cases and court decisions sent to us – and in many cases is like that seriously sick patient – before he dies finally in final divorces!
In one of the cases that I was involved – this young male graduate came to me with a letter endorsed by his Sheikh that his wife’s salary – also a graduate – who earned more than him! – should be transferred to his personal account. I told him even if your wife agreed – the company will NOT be able to do that – and the same is a universal rule – but you can ask your banks to do that – if there is a joint written consent and agreement.
As I said in my last article – this new trend amongst our own to be aggressive and abusive when things do not go in their favour – needs to be nipped in the bud now – before there is a tear in the national fabric – and raising up of more selfish individualist younger future generations – that only think subjectively of themselves only – and that is why even amongst the young – there is so much turmoil and trouble now – starting with their marriages even!
My ears still ring hot in this cry from one young boy I know in sort of related – Uncle – I always wanted to marry a pretty and well paid wife – but I soon came to realise the hard way – that all that glitters is not gold – and she is in reality a very ugly and unpleasant person – in our fights she smashed all the plates that we got as wedding presents! Frankly I am afraid of her now Uncle! – he almost pleaded to me!
We the elders and the Religious Elders need to sit down and impart with our young on the importance and sanctity of marriages – and being together as one – and share and share alike as a couple – raising their children together. Move away from being narrow minded, subjective, self-centred, selfishness and being suspicious – avoid trying to control, manipulate and subjugate others -otherwise there are just bigger troubles only ahead of us!
By Majid Al Suleimany